What are Gottman's Four Horsemen?
How you speak to your partner may predict your relationship’s future
For nearly 15 years, I’ve read relationship books and research published by The Gottman Institute. What started out as a personal quest to ensure my own future relationships would be healthy, break generational patterns, and that I would be the best partner I could be - eventually turned into a professional endeavor to make sure other singles and couples have the skills and tools they need to succeed in their own relationships. (Keep in mind, I started out as a trauma therapist, not a couples therapist!)
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are a husband-wife relationship research team and couples therapy powerhouse. Their decades of research conducted in “the Love Lab” has uncovered so much valuable material that all couples can benefit from. Just like I wish emotional regulation skills were taught to kids throughout school, I wish relationship and communication skills were taught to teens and college students so that we could set every one up for success in the relationship department.
The Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse and their antidotes.
Did you know that the way you communicate with your partner can predict whether or not your relationship will survive? It’s true! The Gottmans research identified four types of communication correlated with the demise of relationships - the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse:
Criticism - Attacking your partner’s character
Contempt - Deeper than criticism - truly mean behavior that’s disrespectful and usually from a place of moral superiority
Defensiveness - Reversing blame and playing the innocent victim
Stonewalling - Shutting down, withdrawing from the conversation and disengaging
Do you notice any of these patterns in your own communication with your partner? Thankfully, not all hope is lost. In addition to identifying communication styles that kill relationships, the Gottmans also identified healthy alternatives.
For each of the four horsemen, there’s a corresponding antidote that counteracts negativity and allows for productive, healthy communication and connection with your partner:
Gentle start-up - Talk about your own feelings using “I” statements, and express positive needs.
Appreciation - Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. Find gratitude for positive actions.
Take responsibility - Accept your partner’s perspective. Offer an apology for wrongdoing.
Self-soothing - Take a break, spend time doing something distracting to calm your mind and body down.
These are admittedly simple, however powerful shifts. And it definitely is easier to say than to do! Recognizing these patterns is the first step. Switching up how you and your partner communicate, especially during conflict, takes a lot of intentional effort. We are here to help! We have an upcoming couples communication workshop designed to help you and your partner learn to identify and replace these patterns in your own conversations.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started with an EMDR or couples therapist in Ohio.