Almost everyone experiences fluctuations in the level of their libido and sexual desire over the course of their lives. Some of that is due to natural, hormonal changes in the human body, but other times it’s due to outside factors like stress around the house or at work. It can also be the result of low self-esteem, insecurities about our bodies, past trauma, growing up in purity culture, or uncertainty in our romantic relationships.

You might think of low libido as a general lack of interest in sex—but that begs some interesting questions! What’s the “right” level of interest in sex? Five times a week? Once? Does it even make sense to look at libido in that light?

Another perspective

A better way to think of low libido is this: it’s when your sex drive is lower than you would like it to be. Not lower than what your partner wants it to be (we call that a mismatched sex drive, or sex drive discrepancy, and that’s a topic for another day).

In other words, it’s when you experience a disconnect between your body and your emotional and intellectual desires. And often that disconnect is created by a number of factors, not just one. And I’d advocate that low libido is often the symptom of a problem, not the primary problem itself.

I really love this “formula” presented by Sheila Wray Gregoire, of the Bare Marriage Blog, to demonstrate the many things contributing to women’s sex drive:

image reading 'emotional health + physical health + relational security + emotional connection + physically satisfying sex = wanting sex' — Image courtesy of Bare Marriage

Whether you’re partnered or single, that disconnect is frustrating! You might be mentally interested in sexual connection and pleasure, but your body isn’t sure how to get there. If that’s the case, there are a number of steps you can take to get your groove back (or show up for the first time!).

A skilled sex therapist will work with you (and your partner, if applicable) to explore all of the factors contributing to your low desire and work with you to restore (or build) a level of desire that you’re satisfied with. At Sea Glass, this is one of our specialty areas of treatment.

Reconnect with your body

If you look at low libido as a disconnect that needs to be healed, the first step is re-establishing a connection with your body. Get comfortable in your skin and think about what feels good to you. If you grew up in a household where sexuality was treated as something negative, it may be difficult to relax and let go during sex.

Here are some ways you can reconnect with your body:

Work on healing any underlying trauma
See a pelvic floor physical therapist if you’re experiencing any pain with sex
Practice mindfulness (making observations without judgments) - both outside and inside of the bedroom
Turn off the lights and focus on sensations
Explore different ways of touching yourself
Emphasize noticing and experiencing pleasure over reaching orgasm or other goals

photo of a bed illuminated in darkness by a small light

Explore your feelings and reconnect with your partner

Think about how you feel when your partner is initiating sex. Are you comfortable, or do you feel a sense of dread? If so, why? Consider the following:

What role do you want sex to play in your relationships?
Are you comfortable communicating your needs to your partner?
Do you feel obligated to meet your partner’s sexual needs?
Do you feel unable to speak up about your own needs or preferences?
Do you feel like your sexual needs are being met during sexual activity?
Is anything distracting you from being “in the moment”?
Do you feel emotionally safe and secure in your relationship?

If you and your partner aren’t able to communicate what you want sexually, it’s unlikely you’re satisfying each other. Understanding what’s happening in your body during sex is an important key to establishing a connection between your physical desire and your intellectual and emotional desires.

Let go of expectations (and set some new ones!)

We all carry around expectations of what sex should be—and it’s time to let go of that. Frequently, those expectations come from steamy, picture-perfect sex scenes on tv, or exposure to unrealistic pornography. Expecting our sex lives to play out like exquisitely edited movies or scenes put together by paid professionals sets us up for disappointment. Purity culture or other religious messages often paint an unrealistic picture of sex as well, as well as an unbalanced set of obligations and expectations.

By letting go of our expectations of what sex should be, we can focus on what we really want. Try changing things up with fun rules that make sure both partners are getting their needs met:

Set a timer, and switch things up when it goes off
Schedule no-sex-allowed make-out sessions to turn up the heat
Have a regular date night or other fun, relational time to prioritize your emotional relationship
Practice telling your partner what you like and offering feedback
Don’t pressure yourself to have sex if you’re not into it

Healthy habits

Other steps you can take to improve your libido include putting greater emphasis on taking care of your body and building a healthier relationship (with your partner as well as friends):

Focus on eating healthy, nutrient dense foods
Make time for exercise - move your body in ways you enjoy!
Balance household chores (learn how the mental load negatively impacts women’s sex drive)
Build emotional safety in your relationship
Limit drinking, smoking, and drug use (Run away from any therapist, doctor, pastor, mentor, or friend who simply tells you to “Drink a glass of wine before and you’ll be fine!”)

Sex positive therapy

Whether you’re single or have a partner, having a sex therapist who can help you understand and process your sexual history is enormously healing. If you’re interested in reconnecting with your body, don’t hesitate to reach out. You aren’t broken or defective: low libido is nothing to be ashamed of. Again, low sex drive is often the symptom of something greater (either for the individual or within the relationship) and we can help you explore what’s going on and work towards a desire that works for you and your relationship.

Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started with a Certified EMDR therapist in Ohio.

Low Libido Explained: What This Is And How To Deal With It