Not Interested In Sex? What Are Some Of The Causes?
Many people—both men and women—experience fluctuations and changes in their sexuality over the course of their lives. We’re accustomed to thinking of libido as something associated with age and gender, but every person’s libido is unique to them. While it’s natural for it to change over time, it’s concerning when your desire for sex vanishes altogether—especially if it happens before you’re ready for it.
There are a wide variety of factors that can cause a person’s desire for sex to be diminished—here are some of the top causes.
Physical causes
First and most obviously, sexual health and physical health are closely tied together. A healthy diet and even a small to moderate amount of exercise can be enormously beneficial for making sure that your hormones are in balance and getting your libido back again. Lack of sleep, stress, or chronic pain can also be limiting factors—it’s hard to get in the mood when sex is going to trigger physical pain in your lower back or your hip. Medications and underlying medical conditions can cause various troubles for each stage of the sexual response cycle.
Psychological factors
One of the biggest things that prevents people from getting in the mood or feeling a desire for sex is pretty straightforward—they’re distracted. Those distractions could be intrusive thoughts about all the chores that need to be done around the house, constant to-do lists, (we call this the “mental load”) or the result of a struggle with unresolved grief, stress at work, or serious issues like depression, anxiety, or trauma.
People are wired to satisfy their needs in a certain order. Contrary to popular belief, sex is not at the top of that list. While those needs start off with a desire for food and shelter, they quickly become emotional and psychological in nature.
A healthy libido needs to be fed—and here’s what it wants most:
Comfort
Safety (emotional, physical, financial, sexual, etc.)
Trust
Leisure or fun
Relationship issues
In keeping with the last point, a common reason for lack of desire relates back to other issues in a relationship. It’s important to keep in mind that lack of desire isn’t just the cause of friction in many relationships, it’s also a symptom of other issues.
Most frequently, those issues are:
Poor communication - when one or both partners feel they can’t express their needs
Resentments - most commonly, over the distribution of household labor and chores (the “mental load” - invisible labor most often carried by women)
Issues with trust - as the result of an affair, betrayal, inconsistency, or other secretive behaviors
Lack of education
Many people never get a chance to get acquainted with their own bodies. Their lack of desire is a natural casualty of the way they grew up. They never learned to talk about sex with another person, or to explore their own sexuality. As a result, they never learned to enjoy sex.
In many cases, stress becomes a source of stress for people who grow up without any positive experiences. Communication about stress is embarrassing or even upsetting. It sets off alarm bells and danger signals in the body when it comes up.
Don’t worry—this is normal. Lots of people struggle with this, and it’s totally okay.
Religious beliefs
On the opposite end of the spectrum from lack of education is the wrong kind of education. Purity culture is a great example of this - there’s often inaccurate medical information presented about sex, combined with unrealistic and unhealthy expectations, and sexual history is erroneously linked with one’s salvation and eternal standing. Many societies bring people up with negative perspectives on sex and sexuality, drilling messages about shame into them. Moreover, language we’re surrounded with uses sexuality as an insult. Sexuality, instead of being something celebrated, is a source of stress. Remember: libido wants comfort, ease, and safety.
Therapy can help
We work with Christian women and men every day who are experiencing a disconnect between what their minds want and what their bodies are feeling. Have you lost interest in sex? If so, I would love to provide you with a safe space to help you understand what’s happening and why through Christian Sex Therapy.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started with a Certified EMDR therapist in Ohio.