Making Peace with Parenting “Mistakes”
I’m not currently a mother, but I do work with a lot of moms. From new parents to empty nesters, I notice a consistent theme when I’m working with parents - a lot of you are really beating yourself up for making minor mistakes. A lot of moms worry themselves sick that they’ll do or say the wrong thing, and it’ll traumatize their child for life. And to be honest? A lot of those “mistakes” you all think you’re making are often debatable.
Our brains are wired to retain negative information more quickly than positive information, and engage in a lot of mental gymnastics to try to get out of emotional pain. Most often, it seems like the actual problem is that you’re not living up to your own ideals of how you thought you’d be as a parent. So your brain tries to imagine things would be better now, if only you’d done something differently then. I usually liken this to “grass is always greener on the other side” type thinking. (We don’t actually know that this would be the case - things could be worse!)
We all know that parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs. It's natural to make mistakes along the way, and it’s okay to wish that you’d done things differently. Let's explore some strategies that will help you find solace and grow as a parent when you think you’ve messed up.
Accept your imperfections
First things first, please let go of the internalized pressure to be a perfect parent. Parents, especially moms, are inundated with way too much societal pressure to be perfect. And these messages seem to come from everywhere: your own internal desire to give your kids a better childhood than what you had; mommy Facebook groups, blogs, and social media influencers; spiritual beliefs and religious messaging about kids being a blessing, etc.
There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but making peace with your own faults and healing from your trauma can make the parenting journey more fulfilling.
The reality is that nobody has all the answers, parenting is incredibly hard and difficult, and it's okay to make mistakes. Accept the fact that imperfection is a natural part of the parenting journey - even if it’s the part that’s not talked about anywhere near enough or shown on social media.
Even the most loving and experienced parents stumble(d) along the way. Did you come out of the womb knowing how to read and write? No. You had to learn those things. Parenting is similarly a learned skill! By acknowledging that you're human and prone to errors, you create space for growth and learning as you grow in this skillset throughout the course of your life.
Practice self-compassion
Parenting mistakes can often trigger feelings of guilt and self-doubt. It's important to be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion when you do actually mess up. You don’t necessarily have to embrace your imperfections and make those your favorite thing about yourself, but even a neutral attitude towards them them will do if self-compassion seems like too far a stretch. At least accept your imperfections as a sign of your humanity.
Treat yourself with the same understanding and empathy you would extend to a close friend. You’d probably tell your best friend that mistakes don’t define her as a person or a parent. The same applies for you! Also, please cut yourself some slack and recognize that there’s a huge difference between making a mistake and actively seeking to harm someone. Remind yourself that you're doing your best, and your child may someday appreciate your efforts - even the things you wish you could redo.
Learn from mistakes
Parenting mistakes can serve as valuable learning experiences, just like in other areas of life. Reflect on what went wrong and why, without dwelling on blame or guilt. Identify the lessons you can take away from each situation. Self-reflection allows you to grow and make positive changes in your parenting approach when needed. Seek guidance from trusted sources, such as evidence-based parenting books, classes, support groups, or therapy to expand your knowledge and skills.
Make repair attempts
Kids recognize morality at very young ages and are aware of situations that warrant an apology. When you make a mistake that affects your child, it's important to apologize and make amends. There are huge benefits when parents apologize to their children! It won’t undermine your authority as a parent. Demonstrating humility and taking responsibility for your actions models healthy behavior for your child, builds trust, and allows for relational healing to occur.
Apologize sincerely, take accountability for your actions, and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Let them know how you plan to make things right, or work together with your child to find solutions. This process not only offers a repair attempt, but also teaches your child valuable lessons about accountability, forgiveness, healthy relationships, and resilience. Your willingness to apologize and learn from mistakes sets a powerful example for your child's own growth and development.
Heal from your own traumas
One of the absolute best things you can do for yourself as a parent is to heal from your own shit. (There, I said it.) Parenting naturally brings up stuff from your own childhood. Go to trauma therapy, read books, become the healthiest version of yourself, be a cycle breaker in your family. Understand your trauma responses, your attachment style, learn how to calm your nervous system when presented with a trigger.
Learn to find a middle ground in your parenting approach. A lot of times when we experience something negative in childhood, the tendency is to do the exact opposite of that thing with your own kids. However, “shades of gray” are often the healthiest choice. Too much or too little of anything is unhealthy. Remember that trying new ways of communicating and relating with your kids can feel scary to your brain, even if it’s the healthiest option.
Parenting mistakes are inevitable, but by accepting imperfections as part of your humanity, practicing self-compassion, learning from mistakes, apologizing, and healing from your own trauma, can go a long, long way.
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