Coping Without an Apology
Dealing with the aftermath of abuse is already an incredibly difficult and emotional journey. However, it becomes even more challenging when the abuser refuses to take responsibility for their actions and acknowledge the harm they’ve done- truly adding insult to injury. Personally, I’ve been there and know the deep ache and longing for validation of your pain, and the feeling of being held back by someone else’s denial of the truth. Professionally, I work with clients every day who are struggling because someone else in their life refuses to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused. It’s important to know that you can heal and move forward, even without someone else’s acknowledgement or apology regarding their behavior towards you.
Grieve their lack of apology
Trauma work always comes with grief work; there’s always something lost when we survive trauma. In this particular situation, you have to grieve the fact that you don’t have (or won’t get) the acknowledgment or apology that you should. In a perfect world, when someone else wrongs us, they recognize it, take responsibility for their actions, sincerely apologize, and seek to repair the hurt that’s been done. There is a real loss when someone refuses to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused. That loss is worth grieving. Part of the loss to grieve may also include any hope for future reconciliation or relationship. True reconciliation is only possible if an abuser is willing to accept the reality of their responsibility for the pain they’ve caused. (Note: grief doesn’t actually move through 7 easily-identifiable, linear stages. Grief ebbs and flows. Whatever emotions you feel while grieving are totally valid.)
Focus on your own healing
There are dozens of reasons an abuser might withhold an apology or even acknowledging the truth of their behavior. Every one of those reasons has to do entirely with them, and nothing to do with you. When an abuser denies responsibility, it is frustrating and disheartening. However, it's important to redirect your focus towards your own healing journey rather than choose to keep yourself from moving forward until you have their acknowledgment - which you might never get. Seek how you can move forward and heal regardless of whether or not they acknowledge how they’ve hurt you. Prioritize self-care and seek support from trusted individuals who can provide guidance, validation, and empathy. Friends, family, a support group, or a trauma therapist can offer invaluable assistance as you navigate your healing process. Remember, your well-being matters, and investing in your own healing is a powerful step towards reclaiming your life.
Establish clear boundaries
Protecting yourself from further harm from this person is paramount. Remind yourself that you have the right to prioritize your well-being. Establishing clear boundaries is crucial in maintaining your safety and emotional wellbeing. This may involve leaving the room or not participating in certain conversations. This may involve limiting or cutting off contact with the abuser, both physically and emotionally.
It may or may not be safe for you to communicate your boundaries to this person; they might be boundaries you set within yourself. If you do need to communicate your boundaries, do so assertively and consistently. Remember that boundary setting means upholding natural consequences when those boundaries are crossed (For example: “If you continue to yell at me over the phone, I will hang up.” ) Upholding your own boundaries allows you to create a safe space for yourself and regain a sense of control over your life. Working with a therapist to help you identify and establish healthy boundaries in relationships can be a good step toward prioritizing your healing.
Validate your own experience
You know what happened. Read that again. YOU know what happened. You KNOW what happened. You know WHAT HAPPENED. You can trust your own experiences, memories, and body sensations. Whether or not the abuser acknowledges the wrong they’ve done, you can (and should) validate the heck out of your own experiences.
If your abuser refuses to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused you, do not minimize that or make excuses for why they’re unable to do so. They’re doing enough minimizing on their own by not acknowledging their harmful behavior. Remember that an explanation for someone’s behavior is not an excuse.
Seek support from others
Building a strong support network is instrumental in coping with an abuser's refusal to take responsibility. Surround yourself with people who do believe you and are empathetic to your experiences. Share your story with trusted individuals who can provide empathy, understanding, and emotional support. Consider joining support groups or online communities of survivors where you can find solidarity and connect with others who have been through similar experiences. Together, you can share insights, strategies, and stories of resilience that inspire healing and growth.
Embrace self-care practices
At its core, self-care is the act of caring well for yourself. Engaging in self-care activities promotes your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Make self-care a priority in your healing journey. This includes all of the mundane, sometimes boring stuff like getting enough sleep, taking medications as prescribed, nourishing your body, moving your body, and spending time with people.
Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. This can also include exercising, practicing mindfulness or meditation, pursuing hobbies you enjoy, spending time in nature, or simply taking moments of relaxation. Prioritizing self-care allows you to rebuild your strength, boost resilience, and cope with the challenges you may encounter along the way.
Enlist professional support
Therapy can be a powerful tool in navigating the aftermath of abuse and the additional pain that’s caused when the abuser refuses to take responsibility. Seek out an EMDR therapist or other trauma specialist who can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your emotions, explore coping strategies, and develop a plan for moving forward. A skilled therapist can assist in rebuilding your self-esteem, addressing any lingering trauma-related symptoms, and fostering healthier relationships. Remember that seeking professional help is a courageous step towards reclaiming your life and finding healing. When looking for a therapist, look for someone who is EMDR certified or a therapist who offers EMDR intensives to work on focused, short-term treatment.
Coping with an abuser's refusal to take responsibility is undoubtedly challenging, but it's important to remember that you are not alone. Prioritizing your own healing, establishing boundaries, seeking support, practicing self-care, and considering professional help are key steps in your journey towards reclaiming your life and finding healing. Remember, you deserve support, validation, and growth. Although you may not be able to change the abuser's behavior, you possess the power to focus on your own wellbeing, build resilience, and create a brighter future.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started with a Certified EMDR therapist in Ohio.