4 Tips for Engaging in Conflict in Healthier Ways
No matter how rock-solid a relationship is, it’s inevitable that conflict is going to come up at some point—and when it does, it’s important to know how to handle it. Some of the thorniest disputes are more about how two people disagree about something, rather than the disagreement itself. An unhealthy approach to handling conflict leaves people feeling unsafe, uncertain, and disrespected—all of which make future disagreements much more difficult to resolve.
Whether you’re looking to improve your relationships in the office or at home, the best thing you can do is adopt a healthier approach to conflict. Not only will your kids, coworkers, and spouse probably appreciate you for it, but you’ll be less stressed and upset as well.
Look for core issues
Most arguments that seem like they’re about one thing are really about something else. A sink full of dirty dishes is also about a wider imbalance in chores around the house: the mental and emotional labor that goes into running a home. A dispute over spending habits may actually be about deeper stress related to your financial situation, safety, or future. When you’re bringing up a problem with someone else, you need to step back and make sure you’re addressing the root cause instead of a symptom. Sometimes what frustrates people about that imbalance in chores isn’t that they have to do the dishes—it’s that they feel like they’re being taken for granted.
Sometimes, your conflicts may run deeper than you realize. They might reflect core differences in your values. You don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s important for people to feel their perspectives are understood, acknowledged, and respected.
Work together
Remember that at the end of the day, the purpose of the conflict should be the resolution. The goal is not to fight—it is to work together to solve a problem. This means that instead of focusing on who is doing what wrong, or how the problem started, it’s important to focus on where you want to end up.
Couples should recognize that if one of them has a problem, they both do. Some of the best ways to make sure you stay on the same page as a team is to practice active listening, which is a critical skill for healthy conflict resolution.
When you engage in active listening, this means you’re focused on processing what the other person is saying without judgment. It means letting them speak without interrupting. Instead of arguing about details or getting defensive, focus on making sure you understand their perspective.
Keep it in perspective
You may have heard about things like “I” Statements and “You” statements in the past. One of the reasons these are important tools for conflict resolution is that it helps people stay in their lane. It’s important not to jump to conclusions about what the other person is trying to do, or how they feel. Rely on them to tell you those things.
Some examples of “I” statements include:
I feel hurt by…
I’m scared that…
I worry about…
I am upset when…
Focus on your perspective and feelings. That way, you can avoid putting the person you’re talking with on defense. Sticking to “I” statements improves the chance they’ll listen to what you have to say, instead of waiting to respond or push back.
Hit the pause button
If you’re running into a wall with communication, hit the pause button. It doesn’t need to be life or death. You can hit pause, take some time to regroup, gather your thoughts, and come back to the conversation. Avoid letting things escalate to a shouting match. It’s hard to get back that feeling of safety once you’ve lost it.
Getting help
It’s usually helpful to get an objective 3rd party in the room if you’re having trouble managing conflict with someone. Agreeing to work with a therapist shows the couple is willing to put in work to improve communication.
Reach out today if you're interested in learning some more tips for healthy communication. we’d love to help you learn to manage the conflicts in your life with less stress with couples therapy.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, anxiety treatment, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started with a Certified EMDR therapist in Ohio.