Navigating Family Dynamics During Holidays
Recently, I shared a few strategies for managing general holiday stress. This week, I want to get a little more specific. Family dynamics can add another layer to holiday tension. It’s one thing when it’s your own family, but it’s another when it’s your partner’s family, especially if those relationships are unhealthy or strained.
Navigating family dynamics can be especially tricky during the holidays, but here are some steps to preserve your peace, and your relationship.
Stay out of the middle
If it’s your partner’s family, your partner needs to be the one to set, communicate, and uphold boundaries with their own family. Likewise, you should be the one to do this with your own family. Each partner should be responsible for the mental load associated with planning and celebrating holidays with their own family.
Have a team mindset
You and your spouse are a team, a unit. It’s important to have a unified front, and present that to your respective families. If there’s a conflict between your family and your spouse, side with your partner in the moment so they don’t feel attacked, humiliated, or ganged up on. No one likes to be steamrolled in a tense moment. You also don’t want to put your partner on the spot in an uncomfortable situation. You can always choose another time later to share your perspective if you disagree with them.
Prepare yourself
Unless this is your first big get together with your partner’s relatives, you probably know how these interactions will go. Do some mental prep work ahead of time to get your head in the game. Write in a journal, practice deep breathing, attend a few extra therapy sessions, go for a quick walk. Having a game plan for how you will respond to any comments or conflicts can be key. Have a few go-to grounding exercises that you can do if needed in the moment. Not sure how to use grounding skills in the moment? Get our free grounding guide!
Communicate with your partner
Have an open discussion with your partner to set clear expectations. Share any concerns you have and agree on how you will handle any sensitive issues that may arise. Having a plan (and sometimes an exit strategy!) will reduce unnecessary stress.
Practice active listening
Holidays can bring out the best and the worst in people. If you start to feel tensions rise with any particular family members, try to listen first and respond second. It’s easy to jump to a response, but active listening will be your friend. Hear out their concerns without interrupting or judging. Sometimes all you need to diffuse a situation is to hear them out and show understanding.
Express yourself calmly
If a situation becomes tense, we often have natural tendencies to place blame or direct frustration outwardly. In an effort to control your response and de-escalate this tension, practice using “I” statements. Reframe how you express your concerns to convey how any actions or attitudes are affecting you. This way, you’re not necessarily directing your frustrations at any one person. It will make the other person feel much less attacked and willing to hear you out.
Set boundaries
Remember when I said to communicate with your own family, and to be a team? Here’s what that looks like when you talk with your respective families: “We won’t be able to come this year.” Notice how it says we? Not, “I want to, but Partner doesn’t” or “Partner says we can’t go to your house for dinner because we were there last year.” Be a team in your boundaries and in your language.
Before you begin your holiday festivities, establish your boundaries. Having boundaries in any relationship is never a bad thing, especially one that can result in frequent tension.
Spend some time deciding what your limits are, including what topics are off limits and what kind of attitude/behaviors you choose not to tolerate. Work with your partner on these, but also share your own personal ones with them. Know where your partner stands on these matters, so no one is blindsided in the moment.
Stay present
If this is a recurring situation, it’s easy to hold grudges or assumptions that this holiday will be just like the last one. Try to enter this round of gatherings with a fresh mind and try to create a positive experience going forward. Hitting the reset button can be difficult, but try to keep your thoughts on the present with your family.
Have a “safe zone”
You may find that you need a moment to yourself during family gatherings. If you’re the one hosting, choose a space in the house that can be your go-to safe zone. If you’re at someone else’s home or a public space, find somewhere quiet that you can go to if you need a break.
Get extra support
For many, the holidays can be a trying time, especially when it comes to family dynamics. If you’re having a hard time navigating the tensions of family time, we’re here to help.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is a virtual EMDR therapy practice in Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, Gottman Method couples therapy, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started.