The 7 Key Principles of Gottman Couples Therapy
If you poll a group of ten people on how they would describe marriage, you would likely get ten different answers. Marriage is work. It’s a journey. It’s rewarding and challenging.
With a long-term relationship, it’s normal to have challenging times or periods where you don’t feel you’re connecting. If you’re stuck in a pattern where you’re not bouncing back to that happy and affectionate place, couples therapy can be a great tool.
One of the leading approaches to fostering strong relationships is the Gottman Method. This approach is based on seven key principles. Here we’ll explore them further.
1. Building Love Maps
The first principal of Gottman Couples Therapy is having a thorough understanding of your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and inner world. With this method, this is the idea of creating a love map. When you first started dating, much of your conversations probably focused on exploring each other’s love map. Oftentimes these conversations fade as relationships mature, but it’s important to keep up with your partner’s evolving love map as they move throughout new stages of life
Building love maps focuses on learning your partner’s wants and desires, exploring their current dreams and fears, and gain a better understanding of their likes and dislikes. The more detail you can get, the stronger your love map will be.
2. Express fondness and admiration
This next principle focuses on establishing deeper or newfound appreciation for each other. Respecting each other and showing gratitude is something that seems common sense, but is not as often practiced.
During therapy, you will be encouraged to identify and express gratitude and admiration for your partner. You’ll practice pointing out what you love about your partner and what attractive and positive qualities they bring to your relationship. This practice can help shift some of the resentment that may have built up over the years.
3. Turn toward your partner rather than away
We’re all social beings with a need to connect with others, especially the ones we love. Each day, you and your partner make what are called “bids for connection.” You do things hoping to catch their attention or receive affirmation. Sometimes, we miss each other’s bids. This is what often causes confusion and emotional pain.
When times are tough, it’s easy to ignore or overlook your partner’s bids for connection, turning yourself outward. Rather than turn to your partner, you consult with a friend or other family member instead, bury your focus in work, hobbies, or mindless scrolling. This principle of the therapy directs you to lean into your partner and acknowledge any of these bids. Being present and responsive is key to connection.
4. Positively influence each other
The Gottmans found in their research that men’s unwillingness to be influenced by their female partner is highly damaging for relationships. A relationship is a two-way street. There should be a healthy balance between each of your opinions and decision making. The mental load in your marriage should feel equitable. Sex should be mutual and pleasurable for both persons. Over the course of a relationship, it’s normal to adopt some of each other’s interests and needs.
Allowing yourselves to be positively influenced by the other can strengthen your bond and make you feel more like a team. Making decisions will come easier. Being able to compromise on areas of disagreement will be less likely to turn into conflict.
5. Solve any solvable problems
Not every problem that arises in a relationship will be easily solved, especially with a quick fix. There is also a tendency to make small problems larger in the grand scheme of things. There are two types of problems: solvable, and perpetual.
Through this principle, you’ll learn how to assess problems at face value and determine the best way to tackle them together. With proper communication habits and an open mind, you can solve the solvable problems in a productive way.
6. Overcome gridlock
As mentioned, not all problems are solvable. You will inevitably have times where you feel gridlocked with your partner. Most often, these surround differences in personal beliefs or values. These often become perpetual problems.
This is where compromise and a willingness to be flexible is important. In order to overcome the gridlocked feeling, you need to navigate through it while still respecting each other and making sure you’re both heard.
7. Create shared meaning
The last principle revolves around the importance of having shared meaning in your relationship. Whether it’s goals, rituals, traditions, or collective values, shared meaning can bring you and your partner closer. It makes taking on challenges life throws at you easier. It also ties back into that first principle of love maps.
Are you interested in learning more about the Gottman Method? Reach out today to learn more and schedule a session.
Sea Glass Counseling and Consultation is an EMDR therapy practice in Dublin, Ohio. Our compassionate, skilled therapists use evidence-based techniques grounded in the neurobiology of stress, trauma, and relationships to make sure your treatment is personalized and effective. Sea Glass therapists provide telehealth counseling in Ohio for individuals and couples. We’re best known for providing Intensive EMDR therapy, Gottman Method couples therapy, and sex therapy for Christians. Interested in working together? Contact us today to get started.